You’re Cured, Enjoy Life

“You’re cured, enjoy life” are the words my oncologist told me last week at my latest 6-month cancer checkup. He added “Whatever you’re doing, keep it up. The hard work is paying off.”

It’s been five years since I was diagnosed with Stage 2B Hodgkin Lymphoma. The doc said the “B” stood for “Big” – the tumors were large and I was lucky to catch them when I did. The first eight months of 2015 I endured six months of chemo (ABVD) and six weeks of radiation. ABVD is no walk in the park – it’s a barbaric, scorched earth style of killing cancer, as is most chemo. But I started a strict ketogenic diet, with some pre-infusion-day fasting and survived the treatment better than average, at least according to my oncologist and the infusion staff – but that’s another blog post.

Thankfully, Hodgkin Lymphoma has a relatively high cure rate if you make it past the five year mark. So, for the past five years, I get extremely anxious around each 6-month scan and checkup.

The Whirlpool of Negativity

So here I go in to this last checkup feeling the same dread and despair I felt for the very first post-chemo checkup. Roughly two or so weeks before the checkup I start drifting toward what I call the Whirlpool of Negativity. It starts with dribs and drabs of negative thinking (“What’s that pain? Is that a tumor?”, “I won’t see my son graduate High School or my daughter’s wedding.”, etc) and as I spiral to the center of the whirlpool the thoughts get more frequent , more dark and more intense. I start to withdraw from my family, enter a steady state of grumpiness and emanate bad vibes to everyone around me.

But seriously now, I’m five years from diagnosis, feel great and have had no health issues since. So why do I do this to myself?

I rationalize it as “Hey I had cancer, it’s normal to fear its return.” And I do believe it’s normal to have these thoughts but my reaction to these feelings is a problem.

A 2002 study relates extended negative thinking and pessimism to suppressing your immune function:

We provide a broad framework relating negative emotions to a range of diseases whose onset and course may be influenced by the immune system; inflammation has been linked to a spectrum of conditions associated with aging, including cardiovascular disease, osteoporosis, arthritis, type 2 diabetes, certain cancers, Alzheimer’s disease, frailty and functional decline, and periodontal disease.

Kiecolt-Glaser JK1, McGuire L, Robles TF, Glaser R. Emotions, morbidity, and mortality: new perspectives from psychoneuroimmunology. Annu Rev Psychol. 2002;53:83-107. PubMed PMID: 11752480

The emphasis on “certain cancers” is mine, of course. But I don’t want any of that stuff.

Negative thinking is inversely related to the goal of “enjoy life”.

Equanimity is the key

Equanimity is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind.

Wikipedia

I know from meditation that one answer is equanimity or as the Stoics say, indifference. The objective is not to suppress or ignore feelings, but instead, when they arise, simply observe them and don’t judge the feeling as good or bad. Observe it and move on.

Easier said than done…but this is my work. And not just for scary thoughts of cancer coming back, but just day to day life. Equanimity. Without it, my emotions are in control and I’m lost, heading toward the whirlpool. With it I have a better chance to “enjoy life” and be content.